Eighth Stanza

Was ever heart like mine? My lord, declare.

I know not what to do: What shall I do?

I wonder, split I don’t upon despair.                                    45

It’s grace’s wonder that I wrack not so.

I faintly shun’t, although I see this case

Would say, my sin is greater than thy grace.

Notes

The psychological state of poet was expressed along the same lines by John Owen in his book The Mortification of Sin, published 1656. Taylor, having left England in 1668 would have had access to the work.

This is the saddest warfare that any poor creature can be engaged in. A soul under the power of conviction from the law is pressed to fight against sin, but hath no strength for the combat. They cannot but fight, and they can never conquer; they are like men thrust on the sword of enemies on purpose to be slain. The law drives them on, and sin beats them back. Sometimes they think, indeed, that they have foiled sin, when they have only raised a dust that they see it not; that is, they distemper their natural affections of fear, sorrow, and anguish, which makes them believe that sin is conquered when it is not touched. By that time they are cold, they must to the battle again; and the lust which they thought to be slain appears to have had no wound.

And if the case be so sad with them who do labour and strive, and yet enter not into the kingdom, what is their condition who despise all this; who are perpetually under the power and dominion of sin, and love to have it so; and are troubled at nothing, but that they cannot make sufficient provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof?

John Owen, The Works of John Owen, ed. William H. Goold, vol. 6 (Edinburgh: T&T Clark, n.d.), 20.

This stanza is a desperate plea for help. He sees his sin, and sees nothing in himself by which to respond to the sin. And so in anguish he calls out. Notice the repetition of the prayer, which emphasizes his desperation:

Was ever heart like mine? My lord, declare.

I know not what to do: What shall I do?

I must change. I must be saved from this heart. But it is my heart? I cannot change it. When I look at it, it is a palace and playground of Satan. When I think my sin is gone, it comes back worse than ever. My prayers seemingly do not work. I am not affected by the Spirit. I see my problem clearly. I know it is there, and I do not know how to respond. What can I do?

I wonder, split I don’t upon despair.                                    45

It’s grace’s wonder that I wrack not so.

It is a wonder of grace that I have not completely split in two with despair over my sin. It is a wonder that I have not become bare wrack (left over after destruction).

In the end, his despair over his own sin tempts him to despair over God. To understand this we must know that “grace” here is a reference to any good which God will do him. The Puritans would speak of various aspects of grace, not merely the forgiveness of sin, but grace to withstand a temptation, et cetera:

I faintly shun’t, although I see this case

Would say, my sin is greater than thy grace.

What he would shun is the thought that God’s grace is insufficient.